i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize