She's JV to your varsity
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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