I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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