True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
