So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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