my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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