yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
