I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
