Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
