My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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