when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
