id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
