Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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