Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
