A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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