The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
