if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
