You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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