the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize