maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
