he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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