You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
