3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
