I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
whose ass print is on the piano?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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