dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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