You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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