she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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