im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
