She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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