Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
There r osticjed everywhere
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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