Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
