If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
