I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
