i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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