I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
