the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
