another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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