i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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