I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
