I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I yelled at your uterus for you.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
