Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
