It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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