Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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