We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize