I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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