FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
