I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
