3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
