Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
