I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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