i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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