Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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